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When I first met you, I longed to be the cigarette pressed between your lips.

I'd steal glances when you took each drag, watching the swirls of sweet smoke consume you with nicotine, crawling through your lungs and destroying every inch of them but leaving you more and more addicted with cloudy inhale.

I wanted to be your addiction. I wanted to be the thing you couldn't help but come back to time and time again. I didn't even know you and yet I wanted you. Every last atom of your being, I wanted.

Sometimes I ask myself what I even saw in you, why I even wanted you so bad in the first place. I don't get many answers; I'm hard to reason with. But I believe it was your eyes; the kind of green you only saw in the finest of marijuana and I still haven't come down from your high.

But after a while, I had to stop looking. Because you only had eyes for her, and all I wanted was to be the center of your attention, like the black hole in the center of our galaxy.

At night when I'm alone in my bed, you invade my memory like maggots devouring dead flesh; eating away all of my thoughts and only leaving evidence of your destruction behind. You take over my senses until I'm nothing, a shell of who I was days before. You're like a ghost, your body disappearing into mine and seconds later, you're pushing my heart out my throat. But it gets stuck; leaving that familiar, choking lump that I often get when dealing with you. You look right through me, as if I were just another window in your third story home and you know I'm scared of heights. I vomit, but all that comes up is my still-beating heart. I told you it would happen, but you didn't listen. You just pick up my heart and leave me there on the floor, drowning in my own tears and shame, feeling hollow and alone.

You buried the old you, but the emotions and memories clawed their way to the surface, escaping and tucking themselves beneath your pillow, waiting until you're as low as I am to crawl inside and steal precious things, everything you hold close.

You're deceiving; an expert liar, twisting stories to fit what I want to hear, all the while the truth lies just beneath the dirt under your nails. How could I be the blind one, when I saw the end before we even began? You make me sick, my stomach churning at the thought of you. You taste sweet on my lips, but bitter on my tongue, just like a fucking cigarette.

I used to believe I loved you, but the feeling evades me now. In a blur of people, you're the only face clear.

You smile at me, and your teeth grow pointed. Your pupils turn to slits and the sky darkens. I realize I've come too far, I need to escape. I need to get away, but my shoes are missing and my head is spinning. The tricks you've pulled in me have been revealed, the second I turn my back you'll be out of sight.

I can't remember the last time I forgot about you. The demons you keep hidden have been gnawing at the locks, and I'm afraid I won't escape in time.

I saw you the other day, for the first time in two weeks. You looked different, like someone had just scraped you up off the floor of a piercing parlor. Your hair was perfectly disheveled and those marvelous green eyes I once knew were glassy and red.

It's funny how you pretend we were never something. You ignore the memories of me like I ignore the memories of you. Were we ever something? I don't know anymore. We came together and we fell apart, before we even had lifelines or heartstrings to tie us to each other. I like to think that we held the stars in oir hands, holding on for dear life but letting everything around us crash to the floor. I realize now that the only thing falling was me, and that I'm better off without you, no matter how deep this pit of denial and regret is.

I see your face in people I've never met before. I think about you in the darkest and loneliest of times in the night, your smile lights up my dreams and you scare away my demons. I'm not sure if you haunt me, or if you're just unforgettable.

I used to believe I loved you;

but you were a chain smoker,
and I was just another pack of cigarettes.
03 April 2012 @ 12:59 pm
she was the colour of the galaxy
her eyes were bright and twinkling
but she fell into a black hole
and the light started to fade.

she's sinking, she's sinking.

when it spit her back out
she wasn't the same
and she knew she couldn't go back.

please act surprised.

she'll retrace her steps
but will she get lost or find hope?
i guess no one really knows.
feeling: numb
07 February 2012 @ 10:30 pm
i believed your lies the first time,
and this time i still fell through.
you've already burned me,
my skin is charred.
i flake when you touch me,
i'm losing pieces of myself to you.
why am i turning into dust,
when you used to treat me like diamonds?
swallowing the arsenic you gave me has never been this easy before.
feeling: depressed
02 July 2011 @ 01:03 am
nobody shines like you do. and for some reason i'm entirely in love with that fact.
we are all gods, we are all monsters, and we all should laugh in the face of failure.
if anyone has any fucks to give, stay the fuck away from the people i love because they don't need anything you have to say.
if you want someone to torture, say it to me, because honestly compliments are rolling off my back the same way insults do (and i'm not hearing either lately) so just give it to me full on because i can take what i can dish and i would much rather you giftwrap those harsh words for me and not my sister or my friends.
most of the time i feel like a weed in a garden full of roses. and not the kind of weed that grows pretty little flowers, either. the kind of weed that will never have any sort of beauty to it - no matter how many people think different. and i can't help but feel this way, because this is me, these are the things that run through my mind and i can't fucking help it because you can't help yourself. you can't escape yourself. isn't that why we seek help by telling strangers how we feel? however, nobody knows you can't fix yourself with pills so none of it ever works anyway. you'll realize you are everything you never wanted to be and you always will be. a lot of the time you don't realize it until you don't want to anymore.
i can't figure myself out because there are too many layers to get through - like peeling a sunburn that's worse than you thought it was. i get to one point only to turn around and decide that's only half right. it doesn't fit there, it looks better in the corner. but nobody puts baby in the corner.
it's like when someone you know asks you to be honest and when you are they munch on your head because that wasn't what they really wanted to hear - they wanted a lie, something to make them feel better.
and this is me after too many nights spent alone in bed, watching aladdin and wishing there was someone just like him for me. for my jasmine at heart. but i'm starting to give up wishing.
i left everything i had on that bed and i still feel like it isn't enough and won't ever be enough for you to understand how much i really do care for and love you. but that's fine with me because nothing is ever enough anymore and nothing ever will be.
sometimes i'm afraid a lonely wannabe is all i'll ever be, and not many people can convince me otherwise. i'm just a racehorse on a track now - i can't leave my set path even if i want to more than anything. i'm stuck with glue and unfortunately it's not to the person i want.
i wish people could do quick draws with pens and ink like the cowboys used to do in the old western movies and days. the downside would be hand cramps and the upside would be no one died (unless they got ink poisoning, but that was never a side effect of the word dust, i'm thinking it might be love)
and i might borrow a couple lines here and there but i'm not a copycat, i just take things that interest me and make them bigger and better for other people to understand, even if the words i write make no sense to anyone but me.
i'm kind of like a book without a cover - or a book with no cover art. i'm hard to read on the outside but once you open me up i'm ridiculously easy to figure out because there isn't much of a plot as there is a bunch of words put together to form sentences.
"sometimes when you're feeling this blue, the right smile can save you", and i'm not sure how real that is or how fake that is and i'm not sure i wanna know. i'm doing just fine forgetting everything and then bringing it back when i least want to deal with it.
i wish you could get lost in me like a good book, but i've noticed not a lot of people read anything but magazines these days and i'm no where near scandalous enough to be in people or cosmo.
i was waiting for the moment mr. envy pulled up a chair and i'm afraid i'm seated right next to him and staring into his green eyes. he is asking me if there's anything i want and i'm trying desperately to keep my mouth shut because i've been through this enough times to know what's best for me.
however, with all the things that are bad for you these days i'm surprised keeping your eyes open doesn't cause cancer.
i apologize as much as i forgive and i'm not surprised i'm still being walked on.
well, if space and time are done with me, i'm done with them. looking at the stars just made me wish i was one of them - with little cares in the world.
i will never forget, and i never want to. there are pieces of me that are with a million people, and i hope i never get them back, because i want them to remember me in a few days, weeks, months, years, and remember how they hurt me or how i hurt them or how they kept me alive, and maybe i can return the favour when they come crawling back and want my attention.

this is me, with recycled words and recycled phrases, signing off.
if you're listening, you're timeless.
feeling: apathetic
26 June 2011 @ 10:34 pm
i guess i hide in my head when i can't take the fake words coming from your mouth anymore
i spend all my time in my own brain, and don't you say that i've gone crazy
cause i haven't (yet)
and i guess i sleep alone because i can't stand the pain that it would bring if i didn't
the heartbreak i'd suffer if you got up and left me in the middle of the night
because i (think) know you, and your first step would be placing your soles on the ground and running for cover
because i'm nothing but a mess of insecurities and self-loathing
but i'm okay at best
tell me how i figured out you weren't right for me
because now, i'm worried that my skin is falling off
i don't wanna be nothing but skin and bones
because i'd just fall apart by how broken i am
the floor is clean and dirty, don't leave me there
darling, you fucked up.
feeling: accomplished